gratitude exists on the other side of envy
Frankly, I think of jealousy and envy as two different-but-very-similar heads of the same monster. Neither feel good, but both are here to teach us the same thing: how to express more gratitude for who we are and where we are along our own very personal journeys.
There are shiny nuggets of truth within you that draw you into cycles of envy toward others. What you find appealing and inspiring about others is rooted in the same magic that exists inside of you. In reality, there is little separation between the divine truth of you, and the divine truth of them. So why is it, then, that harboring feelings of envy towards someone else feels like a strict admonishment of yourself? And what’s the point of even engaging thoughts and feelings of envy toward another person when we know, deep down, we are capable beings deserving of the love and admiration we so readily offer to others?
To be clear, envy focuses on a set of emotions that differ from jealousy. Envy invokes feelings of perceived worthlessness because of someone else’s status, achievements, looks, or other characteristic. Envy is more of a person-to-person emotional experience: for example, feeling envious of a sibling because they get more social attention than you, or towards a colleague because of a professional accolade they received.
Jealousy, on the other hand, typically involves a third person, e.g., feeling jealous of someone else’s perceived interest in your partner or spouse, even if your spouse hasn’t done anything to elicit the third person’s attention.
Frankly, I think of jealousy and envy as two different-but-very-similar heads of the same monster. Neither feel good, but both are here to teach us the same thing: how to express more gratitude for who we are and where we are along our own very personal journeys.
I am intimately familiar with envy, and I believe most of us are, too, if we are open to admitting it: Envy towards strangers on social media for their stunning beauty and witticisms; envy towards those who benefit from inherent privileges supported by the oppressive, capitalistic systems we live in; envy towards the people we love because they are amazing, and we want to be amazing too. In fact, there are talented, successful, beautiful, accomplished people in my life who I respect and cherish, that I’ve worked to build relationships with because I admire them and want to see them succeed. I’ve also felt envy towards them, believing that they fundamentally possessed something I didn’t and that’s why they achieved what I felt I couldn’t.
Processing these feelings is challenging, to be sure. Acknowledging that they even exist is hard enough, but then having to move through them with grace can be even more gut-wrenching.
Which is why I’m sharing this mental shift with you today - this idea that envy can be replaced with gratitude for who we are and what we bring to the table, even when it feels like we don’t bring much of anything. Even while acknowledging and celebrating the success and achievements of someone else, and even when our own mind is telling us that we should just quit while we’re ahead.
In the midst of envy, there is space for full self-acceptance. There is space to turn feelings of worthlessness into opportunities for self-connection.
When I’m feeling the talons of envy catch hold of me, I like to try these thoughts on for size:
“I am where I’m supposed to be.”
“I am radiant, just as I am.”
“My gifts are magnificent.”
“My path is unique, even when I can see similarities in others’ paths.”
“I know who I am.”
These feel good to slip into.
If loving acceptance seems too high of a mountain to climb from the depths of envious feelings, there is neutrality available to us as well. Thoughts like these may be helpful:
“I am working with my own process, and that is ok.”
“I am trying my best.”
“I am learning more about myself.”
Envy can feel like a heavy lump or a sourness in the body. But what can come of it is surprising - a lilting, light feeling of acceptance when we can take a moment to pause and appreciate ourselves for who we are, right now, in this moment, just as we are.
Healing Crystals for Soothing Envious & Jealous Feelings
Rose Quartz: This is the stone of unconditional love. Typically we associate rose quartz with cultivating love and romance in our interpersonal relationships, but this same energy is also available to us on a personal level. Rose quartz allows us to see what is beautiful about ourselves without feeling the need to compare.
Malachite: Malachite taps into our heart chakra (anahata) by protecting us against that which does not serve us energetically. It is a deeply protective stone which can be used to soothe our own feelings of inadequacy, or as a means of protection from lower external energies.
Green Calcite: Another powerful green stone, green calcite aligns with our heart chakra and removes lower energies that no longer serve us. This equals comfort in the form of reminding us of our how and why.
Tiger’s Eye: Tiger’s Eye connects us to our solar plexus (manipura), the chakra responsible for our self-expression, self-confidence, and ability to regulate our impulses. When faced with feelings of inadequacy that stem from fear or anxiety of the unknown, Tiger’s Eye can support us in releasing this anxiety and accepting what is present in our lives so that we may move forward with conviction.
Sources:
7 Chakras: Mystical Dimensions of the Body’s Seven Chakras
the curly buddha bookshelf: your astrological self-knowledge toolkit
The Internet hosts a wealth of incredible information about astrology, let’s be clear about that. But SOMETIMES - sometimes you just want a good old fashioned, worn-between-the-leather, hold-it-in-your-hands book to guide you in the direction of astrological self-knowledge.
Thumbnail by @polarbearrs
The Internet hosts a wealth of incredible information about astrology, let’s be clear about that. But SOMETIMES - sometimes you just want a good old fashioned, worn-between-the-leather, hold-it-in-your-hands book to guide you in the direction of astrological self-knowledge.
The Taurean (and nerd) in me loves a tactile learning experience - there’s just something deeply mystical about the process of reading a book, flipping through its pages, and feeling the depth of knowledge being deposited into your pores.
Not to mention that books provide a degree of learned expertise, which is especially important in the Information Age when information can be so easily accessed - and misrepresented.
Below are some books that have helped me tremendously, along with some key things to be aware of depending on what you’re looking for :). Note that these focus on traditional Hellenistic (Western) astrological practices.
If you just can’t be bothered and technology is more your thing (though I’d strongly suggest trying both approaches and switching it up from time to time), check out my social accounts for plugs to Internet astro-folks I fangirl over (and learn a lot from).
the basics: beginning your astrological practice
The Power of Birthdays, Stars & Numbers:
The Complete Personology Reference Guide
By Saffi Crawford & Geraldine Sullivan
This is a CLASSIC. I “borrowed” this book from my Mom for the first time when I was in high school - 10+ years later, her copy remains on my living room bookshelf. :)
Crawford & Sullivan break down all 365 calendar days of the year, providing an astro profile of your birthday complete with compatible soul mate dates, your work & vocation identity, your “secret self”, and even a brief numerological profile. They also touch on more intermediate subjects like decans and fixed stars.
Best for:
- Establishing basic knowledge of the 12 signs
- Understanding your own astrological profile
- Parties/social events, sharing easily digestible & fun astrological info with the people in your life
The Compleat Astrologer
By Derek and Julia Parker
This technicolor science-minded reference book, originally published in 1971, contains “a history of more than 6,000 years, from the astrologer-priests of Babylon to modern interpreters of the Age of Aquarius. Aside from its stunning, psychedelic illustrations, this book covers a wide range of subjects, from planetary progressions to understanding astrology from different locations around the world.
Best for:
- Astronomy & physics enthusiasts (they go in-depth on planetary movements, the solar system, and measuring spatial positions)
- Fans of 70s-era artwork :)
The Only Astrology Book You’ll Ever Need
By Joanna Martine Woolfolk
This is another classic, and while I’m not sure I’d say this is the only astrology book you’ll ever need, it is an excellent one.
This text keeps it simple with info about your sun, moon, and rising signs, and provides guidance on how to build your own birth chart.
There’s also some cool stuff about astrology through history.
Best for:
- Nailing down the astro basics
- A quick reference guide as you build on concepts
The Astrologer’s Handbook
By Frances Sakoian & Louis S. Acker
This book does an amazing job of laying out certain topics - like planet exaltations, planetary aspects, and house placements. It has an in-depth glossary where you can find detailed descriptions of aspects between the inner and outer planets. Some of the descriptions use antiquated cultural references & language (the original version was published in 1973), but the overall message remains timely and relevant.
Best for:
- Learning planetary aspects
- Learning about the houses and how the signs function within and as rulers of them
You Were Born for This: Astrology for Radical Self-Acceptance
By Chani Nicholas
Chani Nicholas is one of modern astrology’s community darlings, and her new book sets a great foundation for understanding astrology on an intuitive level. One thing I love about the way Chani talks about astrology is her emphasis on the ruler of the ascendant as a primary launching point for one’s understanding of their chart. This is a great place to start for a well-rounded astrological practice.
Best for:
- Foundational knowledge of astrology using traditional Hellenistic principles
- Understanding astrology from a holistic perspective
Intermediate study: building upon your foundations
Chart Your Own Horoscope: For Beginner & Professional
By Ursula Lewis
Okay, so this book says it’s for beginners and professionals - but it’s a pretty sophisticated text that may be too nuanced for those just beginning their astrological practice.
I tried finding out more about Lewis because this book is really an amazing tapestry of detailed astro info: signs in the houses, chart distribution patterns, house rulership, and more. Apparently she was a German astrologer but was cited in the Astrological Pioneers of America reference text, written in the 80s. There’s not a lot out there about her on the Internet. If you know anything about her, holla at me.
The most impressive thing about this book imo is the STEP-BY-STEP how-to guides on drawing your own chart. These go in depth.
Best for:
- Professional astrologers, purists, aspiring witches or those who simply have an inherent distrust of tech - learn how to literally draw your own birth chart from scratch
- Fans of geometry & analytical problem-solving
- Getting into the nitty-gritty
advanced astrological exploration
The Astrology of Personality
By Dane Rudhyar
A quote from the 1991 re-edition of this text speaks loudly: “[this is] the pivotal book that launched humanistic astrology and made it clear that astrology was a subject for intelligent and perceptive minds, not merely for fortunetelling.
Dane Rudhyar is often considered one of the “Godfathers” of astrology; this book solidifies his position as such. Equal parts astrology and philosophy, his insights go deep. Prepare to be amazed.
Best for:
- Marrying philosophical and astrological insights
- Blowing your mind
Inside Degrees
By Ellias Lonsdale
This is part 2 of a 3-part book series entitled Inside Astrology - maybe I should recommend the first and last titles as well, Inside Planets and Inside Star Vision, because Lonsdale’s writing is just that immersive.
Lonsdale is not merely an astrologer - he is a philosopher with a poet’s spirit, supported by the Chandra and Sabian Symbols. His work is deeply emotional and evocative - honestly, everything he writes makes me cry, in a good way (or maybe that’s just my Cancer Mars talking).
At any rate, this book provides beautiful descriptions of all 30 degrees of each Sun sign. It presents a new way of thinking about astrology, free from cliches and overused phrasing. I highly recommend it.
Best for:
- Leveling up your practice
- Understanding the astrological degrees from a deep soul level
honorable mentions & subject-specific texts
Linda Goodman’s Love Signs
By Linda Goodman
This is a fun one. Linda Goodman is arguably one of the most iconic astrologers of the 20th century, and her Love Signs is a celebration of, well, love - she provides witty, easily digestible relationship profiles for all 12 signs and their cis het couplings.
Hopefully one day there will be a revival edition with LGBTQ+ combos.
Best for:
- Coffee table chat
- Quick reference for you and your lover
Cosmic Weather Report
By Ellias Lonsdale & Mark Borax
Lonsdale and Borax instantly draw you into their narrative regarding the Cult of Normalcy - which sounds menacing (and it is, when you consider the depths they’ve gone to in order to decompose and decolonize the systems of illusion that keep humanity locked in a virtual - and sometimes actual - cage).
Best for:
- Philosophical study
- Attaining personal breakthroughs
Healing Pluto Problems
By Donna Cunningham
I love this book! If you or someone you love has a particularly Plutonic birth chart (e.g., 1H Pluto, hard aspects between Sun-Pluto [such as the square or opposition], Moon in Scorpio, Pluto conjunct the Ascendant, etc…I should probably make a post on this…) then this book is for you. Control, power struggles, intense emotional responses, abuse, manipulation and other challenging subjects are explored here in detail, with an emphasis on transforming heavier negative energies into opportunities for self-transformation.
Best for:
- Plutonians and the people who love them
- Advanced study
therapy for us, by us
Representation in critical moments creates space for radical self-realization.
I’m a Black woman, and my therapist is too.
It took me a long time to find her. The insurance offered to me by my job at the time didn’t cover mental health services, so I spent upwards of several weeks meticulously scrolling psychologytoday.com, searching for “Black expert mental health professional” on Google, and asking trusted people IRL for the right person to connect with - someone who met my criteria of compassionate, yet deeply perceptive, willing and able to support me at my most insecure yet staunchly dedicated to redirecting me toward more empowered pastures, a person who identified as either a woman or non-binary, and someone Black/from the African Diaspora.
Mental health for Black people might be a buzzworthy topic in our current cultural zeitgeist, but it remains an unfulfilled reality for many - according to a 2017 study conducted by the American Psychiatric Association, only 1 in 3 Black people who need mental health care receive it, and often receive poorer quality of care and lack access to culturally competent care than their non-Black counterparts.
Culturally competent care is what results from developing authentic connection with a mental health professional; these connections already have what I like to think of as “the gaps filled in”.
Before meeting my therapist, I desperately wanted to work with someone who I didn’t have to explain what 3C hair meant, someone who wouldn’t tepidly question why I was so offended by a backhanded compliment in the workplace about said 3C hair, and someone who would immediately understand that Blackness is not a monolith - that being part Badulla Oblongata, part WAP Princess, and part Hidden Figure just makes sense when you think about it.
So, after weeks of searching, I found her - she wasn’t in-network for my insurance, but I called her anyway. I told her I needed to talk to someone about the feelings of isolation, depression and loneliness I was experiencing as a program manager at my job in tech. She was kind, deeply receptive, and patient. I told her I felt like I was drowning, and that my life’s purpose felt like it was sitting in a pit of sticky goo somewhere at the bottom of the ocean.
We discussed her rates, and she asked me if the price that was listed on her website would be feasible for me. I hesitated. Even though I was making good money at the time, the majority of it went to things like rent and student loan payments.
Still, I felt my inner voice’s nudge - be here for yourself, be here for yourself.
I told her I’d love to work with her, but asked if we could reduce the rate by 15%. To my delight, she agreed.
As Black folks, sometimes it’s difficult to reconcile our goals with our current reality - I knew I needed help getting out of such a toxic, self-defeating mindset around my professional life, but I also knew that my financial resources were limited and I didn’t have much wiggle room in that regard (funny how that works, isn’t it?)
But, I firmly believe that directing loving energy toward spaces that require attention in our lives leads to positive results. My therapist and I have been working together now for over a year, and it is because of the work we’ve done together that I am able to make more sense of the ways in which my own mind can try to distort the truth of my divine existence.
The cultural competency component here is real, too. We talk about systems of oppression, and how being a Black woman in a predominantly white space like corporate tech works to erode my sense of self in insidious, subtle ways. We talk about how bearing the weight and gift of Blackness comes with soaring highs and treacherous lows, and we examine feelings of shame that seem to have rooted themselves in so many pockets of my life over the years.
Although I sought her out for issues surrounding my working life, we talk about everything. We explore love, and body image, spirituality and metaphysics, astrology - things that make me feel whole and complete, things that bring me back to myself.
I think that’s the point of therapy for us, by us - to bring us back to real notions of ourselves, to bring us into contact with the deepest roots of our beings, so that they may gently wrap around us and lift us out of the earth, into the sky.
Here are some resources you may find useful when searching for your own trusted mental health professional:
My prayer for you, for all of us, is that we may find spaces in which we are supported, nurtured, and honored. Therapy has been that for me. If you seek it, know that it can be for you, too.
Asé.