Where were you when...
A Christmas love note (to self).
I think a lot about how things have changed, where things are going, and the gaps between those two spaces. I think about things feeling more simple, wondering if that’s just my imagination playing tricks on me - wondering how to be a better woman without always knowing what is better or what is worse. In these moments I fold into myself - sometimes I’m able to smooth the creases out, other times they leave indents . I’m always eager to iron them out, especially those that like to linger.
I was a young woman so obsessed with the thought of being chosen - by lovers, by friends, by those in charge and those with the illusion of being in charge - someone so desperate to be chosen that she’d do anything. A sensibility toward rules and regulations need not apply here.
Let me be clear - there is both grief and joy in these memories. Sometimes doing what is wrong for you feels good, in a sordid sort of way. That’s how doing the best thing can end up feeling empty - chaos as a constant does that to you.
So I wrap the moments of disquiet in with pleasure and joy. Those moments of pure desperation burning a hole in my heart, with nothing to staunch the bleeding or the burning, just dry air stinging its edges, juxtaposed with that quietly sweet feeling of triumph - I did it, I made it, I’m here. Deep breaths of praise flare from lips and nostrils, caress cheeks, move mountains.
In this present moment, I look for grace for my past selves. Can I bring the grace I show to myself now back to those darkened corners of yesterday? Can I be honest with myself when I’m not showing as much grace as I tell myself I am? I deserve the most buoyant support, the utmost in care, kid gloves and pillowtops and all that. I deserve to let the magic of my prayers lift me up until I kiss the sky.
Where were you when you first realized you deserved to love yourself the same way you love others? Where were you when you realized this was your only key to salvation?
gratitude exists on the other side of envy
Frankly, I think of jealousy and envy as two different-but-very-similar heads of the same monster. Neither feel good, but both are here to teach us the same thing: how to express more gratitude for who we are and where we are along our own very personal journeys.
There are shiny nuggets of truth within you that draw you into cycles of envy toward others. What you find appealing and inspiring about others is rooted in the same magic that exists inside of you. In reality, there is little separation between the divine truth of you, and the divine truth of them. So why is it, then, that harboring feelings of envy towards someone else feels like a strict admonishment of yourself? And what’s the point of even engaging thoughts and feelings of envy toward another person when we know, deep down, we are capable beings deserving of the love and admiration we so readily offer to others?
To be clear, envy focuses on a set of emotions that differ from jealousy. Envy invokes feelings of perceived worthlessness because of someone else’s status, achievements, looks, or other characteristic. Envy is more of a person-to-person emotional experience: for example, feeling envious of a sibling because they get more social attention than you, or towards a colleague because of a professional accolade they received.
Jealousy, on the other hand, typically involves a third person, e.g., feeling jealous of someone else’s perceived interest in your partner or spouse, even if your spouse hasn’t done anything to elicit the third person’s attention.
Frankly, I think of jealousy and envy as two different-but-very-similar heads of the same monster. Neither feel good, but both are here to teach us the same thing: how to express more gratitude for who we are and where we are along our own very personal journeys.
I am intimately familiar with envy, and I believe most of us are, too, if we are open to admitting it: Envy towards strangers on social media for their stunning beauty and witticisms; envy towards those who benefit from inherent privileges supported by the oppressive, capitalistic systems we live in; envy towards the people we love because they are amazing, and we want to be amazing too. In fact, there are talented, successful, beautiful, accomplished people in my life who I respect and cherish, that I’ve worked to build relationships with because I admire them and want to see them succeed. I’ve also felt envy towards them, believing that they fundamentally possessed something I didn’t and that’s why they achieved what I felt I couldn’t.
Processing these feelings is challenging, to be sure. Acknowledging that they even exist is hard enough, but then having to move through them with grace can be even more gut-wrenching.
Which is why I’m sharing this mental shift with you today - this idea that envy can be replaced with gratitude for who we are and what we bring to the table, even when it feels like we don’t bring much of anything. Even while acknowledging and celebrating the success and achievements of someone else, and even when our own mind is telling us that we should just quit while we’re ahead.
In the midst of envy, there is space for full self-acceptance. There is space to turn feelings of worthlessness into opportunities for self-connection.
When I’m feeling the talons of envy catch hold of me, I like to try these thoughts on for size:
“I am where I’m supposed to be.”
“I am radiant, just as I am.”
“My gifts are magnificent.”
“My path is unique, even when I can see similarities in others’ paths.”
“I know who I am.”
These feel good to slip into.
If loving acceptance seems too high of a mountain to climb from the depths of envious feelings, there is neutrality available to us as well. Thoughts like these may be helpful:
“I am working with my own process, and that is ok.”
“I am trying my best.”
“I am learning more about myself.”
Envy can feel like a heavy lump or a sourness in the body. But what can come of it is surprising - a lilting, light feeling of acceptance when we can take a moment to pause and appreciate ourselves for who we are, right now, in this moment, just as we are.
Healing Crystals for Soothing Envious & Jealous Feelings
Rose Quartz: This is the stone of unconditional love. Typically we associate rose quartz with cultivating love and romance in our interpersonal relationships, but this same energy is also available to us on a personal level. Rose quartz allows us to see what is beautiful about ourselves without feeling the need to compare.
Malachite: Malachite taps into our heart chakra (anahata) by protecting us against that which does not serve us energetically. It is a deeply protective stone which can be used to soothe our own feelings of inadequacy, or as a means of protection from lower external energies.
Green Calcite: Another powerful green stone, green calcite aligns with our heart chakra and removes lower energies that no longer serve us. This equals comfort in the form of reminding us of our how and why.
Tiger’s Eye: Tiger’s Eye connects us to our solar plexus (manipura), the chakra responsible for our self-expression, self-confidence, and ability to regulate our impulses. When faced with feelings of inadequacy that stem from fear or anxiety of the unknown, Tiger’s Eye can support us in releasing this anxiety and accepting what is present in our lives so that we may move forward with conviction.
Sources:
7 Chakras: Mystical Dimensions of the Body’s Seven Chakras
breaking free of "why"
“What am I doing wrong?”
“Why am I feeling like this?
“Why do I feel so horrible?”
“Everyone around me seems to be coping with issues just fine. Why does it seem like I’m not doing as well as they are?”
“Why am I so behind?”
“What am I doing wrong? I try so hard to feel good by doing what I’m told is the right thing - meditation, rest, clean eating, moving my body in uplifting ways - but end up feeling like shit instead.”
Do these questions sound familiar?
To me, they do. It’s so easy to obsess over asking myself “why” when I’m feeling upset, drained, bored, confused, frustrated, or any other mess of negative emotions. The soul-level transitions of 2020, and now the ongoing work of building new paradigms, brings with it opportunities to become more intimately familiar with these feelings than ever before.
These feelings have a tendency to become reflexive, instinctual. I get caught in a web of questioning the negative feelings that sit in the pit of my stomach, just as quickly as the feelings appear.
There is an intense burning inside of me that believes that if I can just understand WHY I am feeling the way that I do, then I can solve the issue and release my suffering. I can get “back on track” and understand the problem, thereby avoiding it again in the future.
I used to believe that this worked. But then it all started to unravel, and even when I’d follow the process of asking myself why, and come up with answers that I thought were sufficient, I’d still fail to relieve my suffering and end back up in the same place I was when I started. Sometimes this process was instantaneous; other times, I’d convince myself I was fine, at least for a little while. Eventually, though, the negative feelings would creep back in, and things would go back to how they were.
After repeating this cycle over and over, stumbling along the way, here is what I am ready to understand:
The ego seeks understanding. The soul seeks, and is, love.
What do I mean by this?
The ego is ready to go to war for things it cannot understand in basic, simple terms. It seeks answers to questions that cannot be answered plainly, validation for feelings that do not need to be coddled, and resistance to things that are new and unknown.
The ego exerts itself through an insatiable need to know on an intellectual level. This has nothing to do with the felt sense of the body. The ego thinks, “if I can just know the answer to this problem I am having, then I can control it, and by controlling it, I can feel safe. All I need is to feel safe, and then I can be free.”
The ego is responsible for upholding what soul-level astrologers Mark Borax and Marcella Eversole call “the Trance of Normalcy”. The ego within all of us has a hard time understanding that it is not truly in control, because most of us are taught that the ego is the critical, and most central, point of contact between ourselves and the world we live in. We are taught that it’s the ego that makes the decisions, seeks the recognition, gets the accolades, and creates our success.
How does this show up in practical ways? For me, it can look like:
Comparing myself to people I know (and people I don’t)
Doing things that don’t feel aligned just because someone told me I “should”, or because there has been an expectation of certain behavior from family, friends, and/or society
Repeatedly working until I am physically and emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted
Placing an emphasis on my external achievements and believing that my worth is defined by them
Overly rigid and binary thinking (this is right, that is wrong, and there is no in-between)
Abusing my personal boundaries by saying yes to things I don’t want to say yes to
Abusing my personal boundaries by ignoring how I really feel just to “get along”
Fear of being vulnerable, even around people I trust
The soul inherently counters this notion of absolute control. Esther and Abraham Hicks are an amazing source of guidance on the subject. The soul understands that having the “right answer” is not what will solve the perceived problem. In fact, the soul knows that there is no specific “right answer”, only an infinite number of paths to various destinations, some of which will lead us to places of joy, and others which will lead us to places that do not serve our most aching wishes. The soul wants us to know that we cannot make a “wrong” decision; there is no such thing. The soul is always working to realign us with our most true, most divine wishes, dreams, and desires. The soul understands that the only way to emancipate ourselves from the feelings keeping us down is to accept. That’s it. Accept them, feel them, experience them for what they are, without judgement or shaming. Once we accept, we can divert our energy to spaces aligned with what generates the most happiness and joy for us internally.
And so today, I sit and I write and I share this with you.
I am learning to break free of pestering myself with questions of “why”. Why I fall into believing I’m not good enough, why time seems to be moving both more slowly and quickly these days, why I have trouble letting go of certain patterns in my life, why things in my past have happened that didn’t make sense to me then, and still stand to confuse me now. These are all pieces of my ego that yearn to be noticed. Instead of growing more and more frustrated that I can’t always answer these questions, or the answers I come up with seem insufficient, I turn to letting go.
I turn to accepting the emotions for what they are - fear, anxiety, frustration, loneliness, sadness. They are all valid and I am no less worthy for feeling them.
The next time I am tempted to ask myself “why” I feel a certain way, I will take a deep breath in through my nose, exhale fluidly through my mouth, and just be with what comes up. I am learning that in the moment after, there is truth, and there is love.
I am grateful.
therapy for us, by us
Representation in critical moments creates space for radical self-realization.
I’m a Black woman, and my therapist is too.
It took me a long time to find her. The insurance offered to me by my job at the time didn’t cover mental health services, so I spent upwards of several weeks meticulously scrolling psychologytoday.com, searching for “Black expert mental health professional” on Google, and asking trusted people IRL for the right person to connect with - someone who met my criteria of compassionate, yet deeply perceptive, willing and able to support me at my most insecure yet staunchly dedicated to redirecting me toward more empowered pastures, a person who identified as either a woman or non-binary, and someone Black/from the African Diaspora.
Mental health for Black people might be a buzzworthy topic in our current cultural zeitgeist, but it remains an unfulfilled reality for many - according to a 2017 study conducted by the American Psychiatric Association, only 1 in 3 Black people who need mental health care receive it, and often receive poorer quality of care and lack access to culturally competent care than their non-Black counterparts.
Culturally competent care is what results from developing authentic connection with a mental health professional; these connections already have what I like to think of as “the gaps filled in”.
Before meeting my therapist, I desperately wanted to work with someone who I didn’t have to explain what 3C hair meant, someone who wouldn’t tepidly question why I was so offended by a backhanded compliment in the workplace about said 3C hair, and someone who would immediately understand that Blackness is not a monolith - that being part Badulla Oblongata, part WAP Princess, and part Hidden Figure just makes sense when you think about it.
So, after weeks of searching, I found her - she wasn’t in-network for my insurance, but I called her anyway. I told her I needed to talk to someone about the feelings of isolation, depression and loneliness I was experiencing as a program manager at my job in tech. She was kind, deeply receptive, and patient. I told her I felt like I was drowning, and that my life’s purpose felt like it was sitting in a pit of sticky goo somewhere at the bottom of the ocean.
We discussed her rates, and she asked me if the price that was listed on her website would be feasible for me. I hesitated. Even though I was making good money at the time, the majority of it went to things like rent and student loan payments.
Still, I felt my inner voice’s nudge - be here for yourself, be here for yourself.
I told her I’d love to work with her, but asked if we could reduce the rate by 15%. To my delight, she agreed.
As Black folks, sometimes it’s difficult to reconcile our goals with our current reality - I knew I needed help getting out of such a toxic, self-defeating mindset around my professional life, but I also knew that my financial resources were limited and I didn’t have much wiggle room in that regard (funny how that works, isn’t it?)
But, I firmly believe that directing loving energy toward spaces that require attention in our lives leads to positive results. My therapist and I have been working together now for over a year, and it is because of the work we’ve done together that I am able to make more sense of the ways in which my own mind can try to distort the truth of my divine existence.
The cultural competency component here is real, too. We talk about systems of oppression, and how being a Black woman in a predominantly white space like corporate tech works to erode my sense of self in insidious, subtle ways. We talk about how bearing the weight and gift of Blackness comes with soaring highs and treacherous lows, and we examine feelings of shame that seem to have rooted themselves in so many pockets of my life over the years.
Although I sought her out for issues surrounding my working life, we talk about everything. We explore love, and body image, spirituality and metaphysics, astrology - things that make me feel whole and complete, things that bring me back to myself.
I think that’s the point of therapy for us, by us - to bring us back to real notions of ourselves, to bring us into contact with the deepest roots of our beings, so that they may gently wrap around us and lift us out of the earth, into the sky.
Here are some resources you may find useful when searching for your own trusted mental health professional:
My prayer for you, for all of us, is that we may find spaces in which we are supported, nurtured, and honored. Therapy has been that for me. If you seek it, know that it can be for you, too.
Asé.